Whoaaaa

Here's an incredibly old blog post I remember posting at a forum a while back. I'm most likely going to be posting more of these here in a minute, albeit out of order. I'm doing this for no particular reason other than that they can be fun to look back on, except for the ones in which I am depressed (like this one!). Ahhh, but don't pay much heed to it. I'm better now.

[Posted Dec 4 2010, 03:47:20 PM]

"I don't like worrying people, I really don't

I want to apologize to some of you Skype-ians for some of the behavior I have exhibited lately, things are just not as they seem for me anymore and my brain is telling me so many things that I don't understand

Yesterday my mom finally broke me; this was when I was getting ready to spend the night at Danielle's, she called me some things and at the moment my whole week has gone to hell to the point where I'm actually starting to believe her. Except that I'm not going to even listen to her anymore. I could go on for hours about the false compliments and also the 'rules' I've had to 'follow' that have been instilled in my head since birth, but I haven't the heart to do so nor would anyone want to read that baw-fest.

I'm at Danielle's now.

I had a panic attack last night and hyperventilated on the floor of her room and cried everything out. I was on mobile MSN until I passed out last night and woke up to find my phone dead; my mom can't call me now, joy joy joy!, and I probably won't step one foot into my own house all weekend. Being here has made me as stable as I can be, at least, but I fear that when I have to go back to school on Monday I will cry like a baby and be unable to do anything. And that's how I feel lately. Nothing's going right. I screwed up my Spanish project yesterday, I have been sick all week, my mom complains about how I'm on the internet too much and probably won't even let me on at my house anymore. "Go to the library," she says. I have projects and shit coming up. I can't do this.

And I didn't make all-state choir, though apparently I was close and Kelsey Meredith ended up making honors fucking all-state and I surprisingly haven't been taking it hard at all except for the fact that when my mom calls me useless I think about all of the things I haven't been making lately and what my teachers must be thinking of me lately for being sick and stressed and I know that I need help but I'm afraid to ask people for it.

I want winter break to come.

To add up to this, I think that I'm finally heading into an eating disorder. I haven't eaten anything since 6pm yesterday (I had crackers and three forkfuls of rice for dinner) and I'm already starting to feel dizzy."